amusons-nous

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• A List of Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
  
  Oops!
  Has anyone seen my watch?
  Come back with that! Bad Dog!
  Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
  Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingy
  What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
  Damn, there go the lights again...
  Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
  Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
  What do you mean, he's not insured?
  Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
  What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
  FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
  

• A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been
  feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the
  doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
  
  "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much
  time," the doctor says.
  
  "Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
  
  "10..." says the doctor.
  
  "10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
  
  "10...9...8...7..."
  

• The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me
  to play doctor."
  "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
  "Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance
  company."
  

• A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing
  isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies,
  "Try this test to find out for sure.
  When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet
  behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving
  closer asking the question until she hears you."
  The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen
  feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response,
  so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response,
  so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly
  behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the
  fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
  
• "Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.
  Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands
  are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket
  signs!"
  

• The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while
  a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4,
  but it worries him.
  

• Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
  Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
  Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24
  hours to live.
  Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the
  very bad news?
  Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
  

• A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and
  her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
  "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
  "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"